where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think I died a long time ago.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize