if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
