there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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