There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
