So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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