This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
