the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Idk if I want to put a bra on
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
