She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
