I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
