Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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