Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
