Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
