fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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