you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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