I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
