I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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