if i can run in heels then i can drive
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just had sex on a roof
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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