I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
