so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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