"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
