I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
