oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
