You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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