I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
