Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
