How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
