I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
