Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
