I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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