i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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