OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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