He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
