my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
