I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i wish my penis had a tongue
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
