They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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