we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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