I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
