I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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