he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Text me some of your sweat
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
