my shit smells like andre
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
