sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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