i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
