Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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