sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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