The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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