I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
