I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
