Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
