Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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