Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
