on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
