I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
you never un-have a 4some
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize