I think I died a long time ago.
I look better un-naked...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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