i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
