I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
