You're my little dorito
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize