I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
